As some of you know my middle son has been having problems being away from home. He has had some depression and anxiety since middle school for which we have had him treated with medicine, acupuncture and therapy. Before he left home he had showed improvement and had been taken off his meds and was succeeding with just acupuncture. Unfortunately college living proved a large challenge for him and his first semester did not go well but we did not know it until we got his grades after Christmas. During his break we beefed up the interventions and tried to get things stable. So we started this semester with trepidation and let's just say he was not able to manage being away. So after weeks of worry about him and with the help of the campus police and the community director we got him home.
I was overjoyed to see him. Knowing he is safe is so important....but now what? We all have so many questions. He looks worried, scared and unsure. I am worried, scared and unsure. How do we move through this period of healing without treating him like a child? How do we find a way for him to get an education while being safe? How do we find a community of people his own age to do things with while keeping him safe? These are the practical questions, they are important but I have found I have to look deeper in myself to get to the core of healing for both him and me. I need to take a step first before the practical questions overwhelm us all.
When I sit in my quiet moments which I now give myself everyday and just listen to the voice deep inside I heard a lot of pain, and worry, and questioning.
The questioning is mostly about being a good parent..."How could this have happened if I was a good parent?" What did I do wrong to give him mental illness ( we all know it is the mother's fault)? I am sure all the parents reading this know the drill of questioning your parenting.
Luckily at this point in my life I have different skills that help me tackle these deep insecurities. Intellectually, I know there is a nature vs nurture question and I can look at my other children and find some solace but more importantly there is faith. Faith that I have done the best I could everyday. Faith that he has done his best everyday and that sometimes shit just happens.
This faith for me has been a gigantic step in my own healing. How did I find faith? I found it with practice. I know that sounds strange but it is true. I found my faith by practicing it. I have practiced having faith in myself and others. I have to tell you for me having faith in myself was much harder than having faith in others. Still as problems arise I practice having faith that I will and am doing the best I can and the universe is taking care of the rest.
When I catch myself second guessing my actions or intentions I stop and say "let's have faith this is the right path" and keep moving. I know it sounds too easy...but really that is how it works. The things we tell ourselves have so much power. Why not make the message about good things rather than a bad ones? Why not make our message about faith rather than criticism and wrong doing? It has given me peace of mind and solace in my soul to believe in myself and the universe.
Still I am human and some days I falter, I start to question myself and to not believe. I begin to feel a familiar sadness. These are the days when the most learning happens because I find that when I hear this type of talk in my head I need to catch myself and remember my practice. On those days I do not judge myself I just pamper myself and say lets let that go, get back up and keep on going. It is amazing how quickly it works now but when I started I had to work harder. I had to say OK let the negative thoughts go for 5 minutes. When they came back 5 or 10 minutes later I would say the same thing. Let's let that go and have faith we are doing the best thing we can do right now. Most importantly I am not a bad person for losing my faith I am just a person who is not practiced at having faith. Now I find even in my darkest days like this week I only have to tell myself once or maybe twice a day to have faith in myself and my son and the universe.
So my wish for you this week is to find faith in yourself and those you love and let the healing begin!
Love to you all
Idalee
Love your message Idalee - I am going to be more intentional with this practice as you suggest. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteAlso - you may like Brene Brown's work...I get a weekly message from her that I paid for! It has been really insightful stuff, like this week's:
"When we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt, and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves. When we consistently betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love."
~ Brené Brown
Not saying this applies to you...just like how she draws our inside experience into our interpersonal awareness. I miss you!!
Love, Lisa
Excellent, beautiful post. first couple years of college-esp an 'away' one can be really hard for young folks dealing with mental illness and emotional challenges. And developmentally isn't it often the age when some new manifestations of these challenges rear their heads? It can be overwhelming. There are so many bad, harmful, insensitive ways of dealing with this with a child-punishing them, ignoring it/them, just to name a couple, and you are not doing any of these. In other words, you have done and are doing exactly what i wish for every child who is struggling with this to have a parent/caregiver respond like -(minus the self-blaming). Bless you.
ReplyDeleteNice! It sounds just like you. And it's a good reminder - one I will take with me. Your "love to all" sign off is very, very you. What wonderful things you send out into the world, my friend.
ReplyDeleteLove right back to you.
What a beautiful post, Idalee! I agree with Janice--I could hear your voice very clearly as I read it. As difficult as this period may be, I think there are opportunities in the experience for your son, you personally, as well as your business. You're a very strong woman and I really appreciate that you're sharing this piece of yourself and the lessons with us. We all need to remember to have faith. Thank you!
ReplyDelete